Inspired by the Killers' 2008 album
"I'm just a stick in the mud. But now, the mud is drying, and I'm in danger of falling over."
That phrase was in a letter I wrote on March 1st.
In a draft of the letter, I wrote to someone about the Great Implosion of 2010.
I asked them, "Do you know why [The Archenemy] blew up on me that day? I mean, it could have happened when he saw me in the hall or the day you guys scared me under that tree."
I went on for about a paragraph or two before trying to end the request on a lighter note.
Earlier that week, while lying in bed, I thought about how I would write the letter. Talking to my friends Mike and Cynthia, I explained to them that maybe I was still hung up on TA because his words weren't clear. I wrote in the letter, "I understood why he did it, but not some of the things he said. What did he mean when he said, 'I see through your act?'"
So on Thursday morning, before the postal worker came by, I quickly wrote it out.
At 12.15, I finished and reviewed the letter.
I thought for a moment, that maybe I should save it for later since the content in the last letter was too serious. I think I did the right choice when I erased everything and wrote a completely new letter. By the time I had finished it, the postman had already passed, and so I had to wait until Friday.
While on Facebook earlier this week, I stumbled upon The Archenemy's Facebook profile. I think I had seen his "like" on a status of a mutual friend we shared, so I decided to take a look. I hadn't seen him since June (as described in The Graduate), so this would be a chance to update his image in my "mind library".
I clicked over and I sat silently.
In his profile photograph, he was lying in bed, looking right into the camera. And he looked happy.
Happy.
He certainly wasn't thinking about this as much as I was.
And while I sat there, I got a bit sad inside.
Why is it that I'm here, analyzing over and over again, this thing while he's living it up?
I couldn't give myself a good enough answer to calm down.
I closed the window and just sat there.
I think back about a conversation I had with Michael and Cynthia a few days prior. We were sitting in Mike's car outside of my house. I was in the backseat smoking, and we were just talking.
I brought up the subject of me and The Archenemy.
Unlike other friends, they listened. And they gave me a response.
Cynthia said maybe it was something much deeper than friendship that I felt. I rebuked her claims, saying that I had never felt that way about anyone before. I said back that maybe it was the feeling of losing a friend.
Mike chimed in, but I don't remember what he said.
As I sat there, smoking, I thought of him, hunched over books. I told myself that this bothered him as much as it did me.
But seeing that photograph brought the point home that it didn't. And that bothered me.
And it still does.
Why is it that I feel so bad, and he's up in [...] living it up? It's not fair.
It's not fucking fair. I trying to write letters to [...] asking this and that, but on the other hand, he's having the best time of his life.
Yes, things have not gone the way I planned them out to go, but things are on track now.
Maybe I was meant to see that photograph.
Subconsciously, I know that he doesn't care. And my subconscious has tried to get me out of it.
In December, I had a dream where I apologized to him. I was naked, vulnerable but yet I pulled him into that bathroom and apologized.
Some psychiatrist hypothesize that nakedness is when we are most vulnerable We see our true selves, no clothes, jewelry, or other distractions. It's our naked bodies, nothing between it and our mind. We have no choice but to see what's in the mirror, whether we like it or not.
Maybe the dream signified that it was time to move on... and thus it came up with a situation that placed me in a position where I was most vulnerable. A bathroom, open, with a single stand-alone bathtub in the middle. No distractions. Nothing between me and the door that blew open and where I pulled him in from.
Now I think about how his life is progressed.
He is [...] and I'm still here in [...] trying to make it. I have obstacles now, and slowly, I'm getting over them.
And now I realize, that no matter how much I analyze, no matter how many apology letters I write, no matter if I send him a goddamn zoo with free money, nothing will change.
Maybe that's the worst conclusion there is.
Whatever I do, whatever I say, whatever I show, nothing will change. And maybe that's what I am most afraid of.
I can only remember the bad things, never the little good things. The one time I texted him for an entire 25 min. while I walked to a friends house. The time he told me how his father was doing (from what he told me, not well). The time he showed me those messages from [Fort Worth Girl].
It's always easier to concentrate on the bad things, because they're the things we pay attention to the most. Never do we remember the little things, or for that matter, the good things.
I remember how war-like I was at the beginning.
"I'll give him nuclear war!" I wrote to Ana.
And it's just terrible looking back on it.
I wrote an apology letter on Nov. 11, 2010, the day of the court hearing.
I was told later he had received it, but I never received no reply.
And I've written all these posts, and sometimes, I cringe on how desperate I seem in them.
It feels as if I have lost a love.
And now it's one-sided. So one-sided that the other side has even forgotten there's a war going on.
And now, the war is over, but I'm still fighting. Everyone has gone home, and I'm up in the hills.
I'm Hiroo Onoda.
And what happens now?
The realization that it's over washes over me, and I'm left to soak it in. It doesn't hurt as much I thought it was going to. I'm to be taken home, and to be given full honours.
So now, that's all there it to it.
It's over... and as I sit, looking at my monitor, there's not much to do but to write. And to enjoy my life as much as The Archenemy is enjoying his. I may not be wealthy, or even popular, but goddamn it, I love my life.
And nothing can change that.
***
